Sunday, 28 February 2010.

Is this what it feels like
to have the ground
under one's feet
the foundation
of dreams and of life
tear suddenly apart?


for now we'll need the
suspension of disbelief
that you who plan so
carefully, or do you
would suddenly snap
everything off and if
that's the case then
my world is falling
buildings crashing down
into the dust of
a crushed friendship
don't let this happen,
please, if I just
shut my eyes and wished
my world would swivel
into place, the
sundered ground below
stitch itself together
maybe I'll just need
to deceive myself enough
take a step off the cliff
into insanity

How do I say it?
this feeling of loss
betrayal, you're the
only one who's ever
found me so inadequate
as a friend, so what
is it that makes me
so fail, so easy to give up on?

Screw this.
If it's so easy to give up on me
then what sort of friend
are you?
Screw you.
I'm strong enough to stand on my feet
it'll take more than one blow
to shatter my life.
I can take all you can ever throw at me.
And more besides.
I'm so much stronger than you thought
that if you still care
you'll be proud of me.
I'm still in control enough
that the only one to break me
will be me;
you're still too weak
to level a blow
to crumble my foundations.
And it isn't time yet for me to fall.

{ 7:23 pm }

mehhhhh

we have all the time
that this life has to give us
our hourglass trickles
with all the sand in the world
and my hopes, like sparks
of light through a prism,
shine small and brilliant in
the time we still have before us
I still don't know how I see you
or anyone else, with this whimsical
fire that blazes and changes direction
with each capricious breeze
but if we wait, and live life slowly
these years that lie before us
will take infinity, and yet when they end
we'll be left with nothing
but glass-sharp and bittersweet memories



this soulless foolery up until today
has given me nothing to cherish


and if I write about hatred
and about the casting out
of the hated, how very
cowardly and small it must be
of me, to still fear that she
who I write about will see these
words and react who knows how
you'd think that if one could bring
oneself to hate so strongly, if in
fits and not steadily, one could
give oneself the strength to
hate properly, and not with
this debilitating destestable
wavering of the mind, or am I
confusing myself, and not hating
at all, after all


I think everyone who reads my blog must be absolutely sick and tired of wading through all the poems. ^^;;; maybe I should try expressing myself in emo rants? At least it's prose.

but prose isn't as much fun.
xD

this mild betrayal is nothing
in fact, a necessity and an
awkwardness resolved, but
still I resent your departure
and the insistence and the
fact that I care so indelibly
about you and the bond
between us; how do you define
a friend, and am I holding you
to too high a standard, betraying
you in turn?

Words are cheap, thoughts too
and although the situation
makes me feel, it seems that
if this is the sincerity with which
you approach each and everyone
then take yourself away, for I
with dreaded hypocrisy, can't
stand the entire state of affairs

when I think of you thinking of me
I feel out of my depth, confused
what do I want from you, and
what do you want me to want
from you? I'd rather you
away from me and happy
than together and torn, or
maybe that's just an illusion
of the mind, and I need you
too deeply to let you go
what a friend I am, so needy
so clingy and indecisive, that
if you chose me over her
I'd be surprised.


Self-hatred is a confusing thing. I mean, one can see oneself so very clearly, and hate each inch of oneself, except that one can't see the self-hatred itself when one is doing the hating.
Am I making sense?
It's like dividing oneself into multiple selves, specifically one to hate and one to do the hating.
Then there's a sort of contemplative mood.
I mean, they say depression is when you can't feel anything at all,
so what do you call the sort of mild nostalgic/emo feeling that creeps up on one?
Or maybe it's just me. ^^;;;
What happened to blogging about normal things??

Well, the play yesterday was nice!!
I was sort of late to meet up with everyone
which in actuality wasn't my fault
but whatever
and then we went and walked to the arthouse
and it was awesome!!!
and very pretty
and then there was the play
which was hilarious
but I didn't like the ending that much.
mehh.
Also Chen Yue asked a question very badly, like he was telling them what to do, and we were all very embarrassed to be seen with him.

{ 9:44 am }

Saturday, 27 February 2010.

I want to bite deep
into the jugular of life
to taste it fully,
to live as few people
can ever do
to know the range of feeling
from the very depths
of passionate sorrow
to the bliss of euphoria
from deep debilitating despair
to the joy that bubbles up
from each corner and cranny
of the heart, and makes us
hope again
And I want to live this life
this range of feeling,
united only by the thread
that runs within
these infinite faces I call mine
and make me myself,
and I want to live
with you as part of this;
this endless flowing stream
that drains like an hourglass
as my life flows out and sinks
crimson into the earth
but cast her out into the grayness
the mist I'll leave behind


this fog this mist this cloudbank
so ever-hard to navigate onwards
(why can't I just hate you
when it's so easy to cut off, to loathe the other)
and tentatively, footsteps onto
something we might get to call our own



Quotes from Astro?

"Abuse of vandalism!"

"Later on, you will learn that admin is very important. Like what we are doing right now, we are actually failing."

"This is a stimulation of---"
(she got cut off around there. It turned out to be a simulation.)

Also it's fun to annoy Ji. I wonder if it counts as insubordination or something annoying like that. Yay.

{ 9:07 pm }

One.
Twothreefour.
Sixseveneightnineten.

*is bored*

I'm mostly done with my wanted poster.
Although I can't help feeling like something's missing....(?)
Also Ri-chan can't sleep over like she was planning to, because she has a cough.
D=
And her mother won't let her.

I bumped into her yesterday in Orchard.
Actually she jumped on me.
^^

I should talk to her more.

{ 12:17 pm }

Friday, 26 February 2010.

I'm still emo.

I wonder why.
I probably just didn't get enough sleep.

I want a bonded class.
It's so selfish to put it like that, really.
I want, I want, I want.
Yay me.
=____=
but there's something to be said for it
the warm fuzzy feeling I haven't had in so long
we should organise something,
and we should at least try.
=)

I think we definitely have the necesary ingredients, i.e. awesome people.
we just have to move on to like the next step or something
and make it happen
while we have the chance
and preferably bond within the class
and not split it into factions allied with different inter-class cliques.
Because seriously, people, we're called 309 for a reason.
Maybe this is on the wrong blog?
^^;;;
but I don't feel like posting this on the class blog
when it's really just a rant at myself.


the Ritsumeikan students came today.
And yesterday.
Hitomi-san, Nami-san and Risa-san.
We went to Orchard
and had a hard time finding souvenirs
and stuff
and I'm sleeeeeepy.


Yay astro.

{ 10:10 pm }

Monday, 22 February 2010.

I hate looking back over my emo blogposts.
I express myself so unelegantly.
^^;;;

But I think this'll be another one of them.
I've been feeling emo lately.
School is fiine, the part that's not lessons.
(Math is still putting me to sleep, and I feel so bad for drawing.)
For math and physics, going by the assignments, I literally understand half of the concepts perfectly, and the other half I know nothing about.
Which means I'm not doing that well, clearly.
><
I wish they'd at least put the grades on the math assignments,
so I'd know what freaking score I got.


I lied to you, so honestly
as I drowned unseeing
in this ocean of sweet sorrow
so hypnotic and so swirling
so alluring, so confusing,
won't you save me from myself?

{ 8:32 pm }

Sunday, 21 February 2010.

These waves of envy are my deadly sin
lashing out in tormented green tempests
beating away at you with abandon, so wildly
because that which I burnt in effigy
has taken form once more


=D

I'm jealous, above all, of my eleven-year-old self.
She had it all, really.
Everything I'd want now, she had it in her life, and by that point she knew exactly how lucky she was, but she didn't appreciate it.
and that's why I hate her and envy her so bitterly,
because she lived the life of my dreams
and left me with nothing but a few memories.
so when I find someone who reminds me so much of who I was,
and the person I lost over those painful five months or so,
whom I still hate for having it all and for leaving me,
can you blame me for caring so much
and still hating and resenting you?

Of course you can blame me.
=D
I'm quite used to blaming myself right now too.
Of course I know you're really nothing like me;
and my polar opposite in ways,
but it's in the corners and the edges of you
that I find the twisted echoed shadow
of what who I was might be today
if she hadn't died and left her corpse for me to live as.
Even when I feel superior to you I resent you.
Even my pride can't wash out my envy.
So yay, let's all dye ourself in sin after sin
fabric that was never white now stained through with green
and what's the colour to represent pride anyway?

The rainbow is for gay pride, which I'm really not thinking about right now...but hey, it's worth using as an idea.
Purple, then?
=)
What am I, Barney the dinosaur?
It's actually quite fitting.
Envious, prideful, and extremely childish.
Yay me.

{ 4:21 pm }

Friday, 19 February 2010.

It's been what, a full week since the last time I posted?
And I didn't even notice.
Blah.


Nothing much going on except schoolschoolschool rushing by so fast I can barely catch what they're saying and still managing to drag on so horribly painfully slowly I must have died of boredom several times.
Perhaps not.
But yeah.

I just know that if I were the one Claire were trying to force to wear frilly Japanese dresses, I would be much more upset about it.
^^


Astronomy today.
Just lenses and waves and stuff I learnt last year.
Ate at Sumo House with a whole bunch of people including Ji and Yoru-senpai.
Yay.


......I'm sleeeeepy.
And tomorrow there's a field trip.
An evil field trip of dooooom.


D=

{ 10:10 pm }

Saturday, 13 February 2010.

Absolutely nothing has happened since the last time I posted.
I'm just bored.
Yayyy.

D= I have all these tons of homework to catch up on
and every single teacher is saying
"Just pass it to me after CNY."
so I have about a million trillion worksheets of math and physics and chem and quite possibly bio, not to mention chinese....although I'm not sure about English....to chiong through.
*dies*

Also Shasha, I am helping you get the data for your project.
It's going very slowly.
Right now I have about a quarter of what you need,
and I'm 100% sure I won't be able to get more than half of the data anyway.
But Clarice and Claire send their regards.
=)

{ 8:47 am }

Friday, 12 February 2010.

You're so far away from perfection
that you approach it from the other direction
and when I think about how I could have been you
it becomes easier and easier for these feelings
to translate into hate through resentment instead.
It's not like I could love you even if I tried
Even if it would be so much simpler for me if not for you.

My poetry has deproved.
Or maybe I'm just not good at emo stuff?

And how dare you, how dare you both? Something so fundamental and you think you have the prerogative to knock it right down just because you share it.
><
If I've misinterpreted either of you, though, I'm sorry.




And now we're done with all the vague emo stuff, today was awesome.

I got 3rd prize for the school jacket design competition.
Which was $20 of Ben and Jerry's vouchers.
Then there was Lit.
We learnt McCarthy-ism.
I got a rose and chocolates from Yoru-senpai.
Jimmy sent a flower to Julia.
Break was okay.
The concert was okay too.
Then Yoru-senpai and Russell and I went to Sumo House.
Yoru-senpai treated me to lunch.
Thanks. =D
Then after that we took the MRT to Orchard
and met everyone at Shaw something for the movie
I bought everyone M&Ms. =)
The movie was nice too.
Ri-chan liked Persephone best.
She fell asleep at the end though.
During the fight scene.
Then all of us except for Naomi went to Somerset and had Ben and Jerry's ice cream.
Most of it was covered by the voucher.
There were all these awesome escalators on the outside of the building that were about 5 stories high
and we went up and down
and up and down
and Russell tried running up a normal down escalator
but there were people halfway
so he had to turn around and go back.
^^;;
Awa was veryvery quiet.

But overall it was great and Ri-chan came back and ate at my house and picked up the CNY hamper. And I forcibly lent her a lot of books.
She specifically requested the Suzumiya Haruhi one though.
^^;;;


And now....I'm bored.
And blog-hopping has led to emo-ness.

I think I'll just sign off before I embarass myself by writing more poetry.

{ 8:03 pm }

Wednesday, 10 February 2010.

Gaaah.

I'm sort of boreded.

Class was normal-ish, and then after working on class decoration and the write-up and all that I went with Vivi and Russell to crash Henpai's house.
We played a game called Munchkin.
I almost won.
;____;
then Henpai beat us.

Then I got icecream.


DDDD= I'm crossing my fingers for the chances of 309 winning the class decoration contest...><
by this point the judges probably already made their decision

*dies*



Did I mention how badly the AMC10 went?
>___<




And sometimes, just every once in a while, I wish I were better at staying angry at people. It simplifies things so much more.

Or maybe I'm just an indecisive self-sabotager?

*emo*
*emo*
*dies*

{ 6:53 pm }

Monday, 8 February 2010.

Booo.
As of yesterday, there's a full-time television in my house.
Somehow it feels like some sort of integrity has been compromised.



And even though I'll admit that I'm screwed-up,
it's who I've become that makes me so screwed
and not who I have been since the beginning.

That in itself is not a problem.

=DDDDD



Also I missed Assembly today.
Was it even worthwhile?
o_____o

{ 6:21 pm }

Saturday, 6 February 2010.

Did we learn that in Physics?
That a cheerful person, buoyed by the sparkle of Life
Will lose this warmth
In all directions equally, until the happiness of all
Is equal and much lower


...I wrote about eleven pieces of emo poetry yesterday.

Midnight’s approaching
And that’s the third time
I’ve referred to it, as the clock ticks
This overuse
Of the same repeated symbolism
And the metaphor of a pond, and a crying bleeding heart
Each really quite useless if it comes
To treating each piece of work as a piece of work
In its own right
I blame you entirely
This effort is wasted
In cursing you out in spirit
Not eloquent but heartfelt
Maybe if I try enough you’ll hear me
This is the fourth poem about writing.

And so on and so forth.

On a brighter note, Ri-chan and Shasha came to NUSHS yesterday!!

=)

{ 10:52 am }

Friday, 5 February 2010.

I feel my heart is crying
Tears of jealousy and blood
And these pretentious metaphors
Do no good
To my cliched soul


...there was astro today.
I ran up thirteen storeys.
I'm exhausted.
=D

{ 11:28 pm }

Wednesday, 3 February 2010.

It's been a week since the last time I posted anything.
Scary.

><


I'm mad at my sister, although it probably isn't worth going into detail about.

Suffice to say that when you think you're relating amicably to someone, it's always possible that they're actually hiding your iPod, all your left sneakers and your cellphone cable thingy, then lying barefacedly to you oh so wide-eyed and innocently....

><




On a brighter note, I went back to school today!!!
And worked on class decoration and participated in lessons and everything.
Yay.
*happy*



*not so happy*

The problem with people, is that they don't necessarily hold themselves to the same standards that one holds oneself to.
And if one floats along naively, one eventually opens one's eyes and realises that people are betraying one right, left and center.

I wish people walked around with big signs around their necks like 'EGO FREAK' and 'LYING RAT WITH INFERIORITY COMPLEX' and 'EMOTIONALLY CHALLENGED' and 'COMPULSIVE NITWIT' and 'FUNDAMENTALLY WORTHLESS'.
Well, maybe not.
I don't even want to know what mine would say.

But still, wouldn't it be great if we could just see people for what they were in the first few seconds, instead of shutting our eyes and pretending they're perfect?
Or maybe it's just me who does that.

But still, I have to live with my sister.
>______<
Even if she went around with a graduate thesis tied to her neck announcing and extrapolating on all her faults in eighteen-point type, I wouldn't be able to pretend I never met her.


^^

Such is life.

And hey, I went to school today~~~~~

{ 6:09 pm }