Monday, 26 April 2010.

=_______=

How can they teach us things that sound so nice
and don't work in real life
and then test us on what we've absorbed?



I hate chemistry. D=

{ 7:16 pm }

Saturday, 24 April 2010.

Tonight, I was supposed to study Chem.

Instead, I watched a movie and ate chocolate.

It was an awesome movie.

I'm still absolutely dead though.

{ 10:23 pm }

Friday, 23 April 2010.

I hate this I hate this I hate this
maybe I even hate you.

Or not.

Chem Olympiad tomorrow, and I'm so woefully underprepared it probably counts in the negative digits.

But that's not even the problem, the problem is people, and how you can have problems with everyone, but sometimes the real problem is yourself, or you think it is, but you really can't tell.

Maybe all I really do is complain about everything, and I'm sorry, so sorry.

{ 8:05 pm }

You're not talking about me, right? Not about me?

We always build ourselves up such beautiful castles, out of our childrens' building blocks, because at last we're old enough to dream.
And they have turrets, and spiraling staircases, and flying buttresses- whatever those are. And they're huge and beautiful and so intricate, almost as though they're real, and we look at them and it's like the world is spinning.

Then somebody pulls out the stone you borrowed, the tiniest piece that isn't wholly yours, and it all comes crashing down, and it hurts so much.

I'm sorry, so sorry, even if it was never me; for all I have done and for all I have failed to do. For all the little things and all the times I've betrayed you. It can't help, can it, to say I didn't mean to-- but if it's me, just tell me, and if it isn't, it says enough about me, doesn't it, that I can't even be sure----and for that, too, a thousand apologies.

If you don't want to be my friend, even to talk to me anymore, that's fine; just say so.
But I'm sorry.
Even if it isn't me.
I'm sorry.

{ 6:24 pm }

Thursday, 22 April 2010.

>>

I am mad at you.

I absolutely absolutely am.

Because you're allowed to pressure me to agree with ridiculous things, and I'm not allowed to try to tell myself that everything is okay.

You don't get to have problems with me being screwed-up when you're so many times more so.

You don't get to have problems with me 'not caring about you' when you come up with that sort of thing.

I'm serious. It's completely unfair.


I'm mad at you, I'm mad at her; somehow I am in the process of alienating or being alienated by both sides.

Maybe I'm just too angry, too quick to be mad at either;
but in both scenarios it's the only way I am currently capable of responding.




Oh welll. Tomorrow is my Chinese test; I already know I'm going to die.

And if you don't mean it, it doesn't make it any better.
If you're just messing with me, that makes you even worse.

I may have said I wouldn't go anywhere

but I don't have to mean what I say either, you know.

And if I find a friend to talk to because you've been a douche, I don't need to be told how you told them in advance how much fun it was to bully me.

Bullying, we all let it fly by, right? We're evil to Vivian, we're evil to nice ownable people and nicer ownabler juniors; nobody's supposed to care, just accept your natural place in the pecking order already.

Well, I don't want to be bullied.

I don't want to be bullied.

Clear?

Perhaps you've understood that. Perhaps you'll come back and talk to me once you've learned to see me as an equal.

{ 9:02 pm }

Tuesday, 20 April 2010.

Oh welllll.

Today little if anything happened.

I don't really have the energy to do anything at all.
*shrugs*

And also, everything is so very confusing.

One would think it's straightforwards, black-and-white, but it isn't.

Nothing is.

I have to do a chinese suibi, a Japanese presentation, much chem olympiad and other homework, and math assignment D.

But I have no mental energy at allll.

Meh.

Met Ms Teh for makeup lesson during lunch.
She's nicer than I thought, really.

=)


Italics are nice, and dreams are nice, and upside-down writing.

And the elusive warm fuzzy feeling we all strive for, and shut ourselves into our little cardboard boxes and emo when we lose it again.

And I like having juniors around the classroom, even. Or 'the junior' and 'the gerbil', and I know I should take them more seriously, but that would mean taking everything seriously.
I'm not quite ready to go there yet.

^^

{ 6:21 pm }

Monday, 19 April 2010.

still boreded.
still annoyed.

=)

life's like that.

What an irritating platitude, but I say it a surprising amount. We can be serious, or we can be hyper; either way there's something missing. No matter what, something goes wrong, and no matter who it happens to you can't just smile; no matter what drives us to misjudgement, to jumping over the cliff because what can happen? and ruining our lives.

and no matter who, there's always this wall in all directions; am I doing something wrong?

and no matter what, it can't go as beautifully as it should; the world is rough and has prickles, and when's the last time you noticed me?

{ 7:45 pm }

Odd, to visit someone else's blog and see an idea I invented myself.
I feel special.
xD

but not so much,
because something else happened today,
and the symbolism is killer, among other things.
right.
you put me in hospital, with a concussion.
old news, right?
you write a story, you kill me off with what exactly?
way to say you aren't sorry. D<
way to say that Vivian, that Russell, that I'm not as important as the rest of you.
excellent, thanks; we appreciate it so.
and of course I'm missing the point; of course Battle Royale is all about killing people, of course not everyone can survive--but this isn't everybody dying; it's you killing everyone off, everyone who doesn't matter--why don't you die, too, then?


also, stop spending so much time in my classroom. You have your own.

{ 7:15 pm }

o.o

David Attenborough is stranded at the North Pole.

The guy who was in the bio e-learning video.

D=

{ 10:21 am }

Sunday, 18 April 2010.

so we look into the past
of a disintegrated world
until it's like the people
whom we used to be
are crying out to us
through a thin layer of time
and I can see so clearly
who you were
that it resonates within the person that I am

and I'm selfish, more so than you
see how I claim the title for my own
with greed and pride, these vices
radiating porcupine-prickly outwards
pushing you away until you leave,
a vacuum
where you stood just a second before
and all I'd need for happiness eternal
is someone else's and never mine?

this is the third poem
for the third person never to set foot here
nor cyber-light silicon tread
the third meandering clipped not-sonnet
of half an idea with a dedication
to the smile I can see in your eyes

{ 9:43 pm }

Thursday, 15 April 2010.

It really really doesn't matter.

Nothing does. You know?

Because when it matters it's too painful to handle

or can't we take it?

What's wrong with me, and what's wrong with the rest of you?
Like we're all individually crumbling away at different rates
but we won't say a word, not until there's not enough left of us to remember what it feels like to be sane.

I ramble, and I ramble because I can't cope with talking point-blank.
I can't tell the truth in a staccato chain of simple sentences--everything that's wrong, everything I hate, everything I fear you'll reject me for, everything that kills me inside.

Because when we tear down these walls there's nothing holding up the ceiling anymore, if you will, and we all come crashing down.


This is such a pointless post.

{ 7:40 pm }

sometimes I feel emo, because the world is so confusing and spins like a top and never loves us back.

but then I don't, because I know no one cares, and the thought is almost liberating.

maybe we just pity ourselves because we can't find anyone else to pity us
because we're all the same, under all the trappings of different letters and different thoughts

we speak two different languages with the same alphabet, the same words.

and it's not love at all, any more than Romeo and Juliet loved. Just a couple of silly kids who see in each other what was never there; but in having each other they had the world.
I want the world, too.
and I can't have it, not now- not ever
but just a smile is enough to make me feel as though it's all worth living for
even for a few seconds, it's enough

Today in Japanese the Erin video wasn't on Erin but on two girls called Megumi and Saki-chan. In which Saki-chan ran into Megumi and her boyfriend at the movies and Megumi got embarassed because she hadn't told her yet.

Lalalalala.

Today at lunch we discussed chemical bondage at lunch. At lunch at lunch at lunch. It is amusing to talk redundantly by accident, which is amusing. Or on purpose, which tends not to be accidental.

I notice I veer into inanity.

{ 7:22 pm }

Wednesday, 14 April 2010.

You could say I am bored.

And then again, as Onion-san has notified me, boredom is a luxury.

But in this case it's not exactly luxury; I simply don't have the energy to do anything else. I certainly should, and I still haven't done literature (send it to me, Russell!! D<) but still there is nothing but this rather listless cloud.

Isn't the Internet interesting?

Like you can just go out and read the blogs and Facebook pages (assuming you've friended each other) of acquaintances and acquaintences of acquaintances, until you're mesmerised by the very workings of people's minds-- for every insightful blogger, of course, there are probably five normal and ten mediocre ones, but when you come across someone really amazing you can tell right away.
You could almost say the Internet normalises stalking.
It's a bit of a jump in logic, to be certain, but the fact is that you go out and read blog upon blog that nobody will have ever dreamt of your coming across---and then before you know it you're cyberstalking someone, and the warning signals have never even gotten around to being raised.

Not that I have any personal experience of this, of course.

But really the Internet is fascinating.

Fascinating.

And very, very distracting.

(ooh, shiny!)

And of course like so many people I can't live without it.

{ 7:04 pm }

Monday, 12 April 2010.

Today I had the math make-up test.

And had to give the launcher to the teachers.

Upon which we discovered that it takes at least two people, but if two people turn up, chances are another three will show up, at least one of whom is no use whatsoever, and so on and so forth....to set up the launcher. ^^;;;

And it still goes wonky.

Then there was the translation competition!!
Claire and Kuo Xuan kept ending up in rather--not suggestive, exactly, but suggestive of romance or something--poses, and by all accounts Dr Hang looked quite shocked.




Awesome guitarists are awesome.

{ 7:29 pm }

Friday, 9 April 2010.

I want to break something.

Preferably something related to chemistry.

Multiple times.

And then switch to livejournal.

Or maybe just keep this and keep the other friendslocked! xD
like Yoru-senpai

for now, just mugging away at Math. It feels like knocking my head against a concrete wall that couldn't care less.

Speech day was today; spent most of it shredding my programme.

I have spent most of today in a state of severe sleep-deprivation, which is why I may have been
1) unusually ready for an argument
2) displaying destructive tendencies
3) altogether out of it
4) pissed.

yay me.

=)

*unapologetic*

{ 10:13 pm }

Thursday, 8 April 2010.

I've begun reviving my livejournal account, and am in the process of contemplating switching to LJ. Because it's easier to have icons everywhere, and changing LJ skins isn't more traumatic than a Physics term project.

=D

Which, of course, means you will all have to relink me.

*shot*

{ 7:10 pm }

Tuesday, 6 April 2010.

I'm...back.

Yay me.

After innumerable days of non-blogging due to

a) physics project
b)lack of internet
c)trip to KL
d) sudden illness

three of the four factors (I'm still ill) have been somewhat, if temporarily, alleviated; now I'm just bored.
Boredboredboredbored.
This sucks.

And I'm sorry to some people and pissed at others, and extremely annoyed at the world in general, but the one way for an emoing person to make their world more miserable is to name the people who make them emo.

Besides, who the heck cares?

xD

{ 5:14 pm }