Sunday, 28 February 2010.

mehhhhh

we have all the time
that this life has to give us
our hourglass trickles
with all the sand in the world
and my hopes, like sparks
of light through a prism,
shine small and brilliant in
the time we still have before us
I still don't know how I see you
or anyone else, with this whimsical
fire that blazes and changes direction
with each capricious breeze
but if we wait, and live life slowly
these years that lie before us
will take infinity, and yet when they end
we'll be left with nothing
but glass-sharp and bittersweet memories



this soulless foolery up until today
has given me nothing to cherish


and if I write about hatred
and about the casting out
of the hated, how very
cowardly and small it must be
of me, to still fear that she
who I write about will see these
words and react who knows how
you'd think that if one could bring
oneself to hate so strongly, if in
fits and not steadily, one could
give oneself the strength to
hate properly, and not with
this debilitating destestable
wavering of the mind, or am I
confusing myself, and not hating
at all, after all


I think everyone who reads my blog must be absolutely sick and tired of wading through all the poems. ^^;;; maybe I should try expressing myself in emo rants? At least it's prose.

but prose isn't as much fun.
xD

this mild betrayal is nothing
in fact, a necessity and an
awkwardness resolved, but
still I resent your departure
and the insistence and the
fact that I care so indelibly
about you and the bond
between us; how do you define
a friend, and am I holding you
to too high a standard, betraying
you in turn?

Words are cheap, thoughts too
and although the situation
makes me feel, it seems that
if this is the sincerity with which
you approach each and everyone
then take yourself away, for I
with dreaded hypocrisy, can't
stand the entire state of affairs

when I think of you thinking of me
I feel out of my depth, confused
what do I want from you, and
what do you want me to want
from you? I'd rather you
away from me and happy
than together and torn, or
maybe that's just an illusion
of the mind, and I need you
too deeply to let you go
what a friend I am, so needy
so clingy and indecisive, that
if you chose me over her
I'd be surprised.


Self-hatred is a confusing thing. I mean, one can see oneself so very clearly, and hate each inch of oneself, except that one can't see the self-hatred itself when one is doing the hating.
Am I making sense?
It's like dividing oneself into multiple selves, specifically one to hate and one to do the hating.
Then there's a sort of contemplative mood.
I mean, they say depression is when you can't feel anything at all,
so what do you call the sort of mild nostalgic/emo feeling that creeps up on one?
Or maybe it's just me. ^^;;;
What happened to blogging about normal things??

Well, the play yesterday was nice!!
I was sort of late to meet up with everyone
which in actuality wasn't my fault
but whatever
and then we went and walked to the arthouse
and it was awesome!!!
and very pretty
and then there was the play
which was hilarious
but I didn't like the ending that much.
mehh.
Also Chen Yue asked a question very badly, like he was telling them what to do, and we were all very embarrassed to be seen with him.

{ 9:44 am }